That pull on your heart telling you there is something missing, the discontent you feel when what you used to enjoy you know don’t like anymore, that love and attention you look for in people and places that just isn’t there, that peace you long for that just won’t come….is from your spirit man.
What you just read was my story. It was all the feelings and emotions I experienced while lost out in the world. It was those times I wore shortest and tightest dress I could find to some club or “lounge”. It was when I decided to pierce and tattoo my body. It was when I looked for physical intimacy from boys who could care less about me after the deed was done. It was when I was ready to “pop off” if I got a stare from a girl who I didn’t like. It was when my anger was out of control to the point I started punching walls and getting carried out of my places by security. It was those times when I would smoke and drink just to feel that “buzz” or become “numb”. Please understand that I was so lost, so angry, and so over the hamster wheel I kept running on called “life”.
I was eighteen when I attended to my first youth shut in. Honestly I didn’t know what to expect as I had been raised Episcopalian, which holds a lot of Catholic traditions & values. That night I was born again and spoke in tongues when the pastor instructed us, who were bold enough to come forward, to worship. Born again: “Jesus replied, “Very truly I tell you, no one can see the kingdom of God unless they are born again” (John 3:3). Tongues: “All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tongues as the Spirit enabled them” (Acts 2:4).
The change in my life has been very gradual, but I knew, that night, I had finally received what I was looking for in God. Any Christian can tell you, if they are honest, that there has been times when the fire and excitement they once had towards God has diminished. “Backsliding begins when knee bending stops” – Pastor Lawrence Powell. My prayer life has definitely taken a different route than what I had hoped it to be. You know, pray over my food, during church service, or gatherings. I didn’t feel as bad going out to a party here or there. Drinking and smoking even made a come back like a 90s fashion statement!
During service yesterday my pastor spoke on getting back on track with our spiritual walk. He reiterated what I had heard a few days prior, guard your ear gates and eye gates. “For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks” (Lk 6:45). It’s been in my spirit for some time to fast from certain foods, thoroughly examine what I listen to, and watch in my spare time. Recommitting my life to God, knowing who I am and whose I am, vowing to live and love for Him again better than before, is just a stepping stone to the start of my 180 turn around.
No, I cannot tell you what to do or what you should believe in. But if you’ve ever felt the way I did, are ignoring that tug on your heart, trying to get love and attention from things or people, or have fallen into a backsliding state, I recommend you try God. You have already tried everything else and still feel lost and broken. Please do not believe the concept that you have to be “together” or “all-right” prior to receiving salvation, “the race is not to the swift or the battle to the strong” (Ecclesiastes 9:11). I hope my transparency has challenged and encouraged you to get back on track.
Scripture references found: http://www.biblegateway.com
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